With the souring rates of divorce in the Arabian Gulf, mostly between partners under the age of 30, one can’t help but wonder: are we to blame arranged marriages for the breaking up of the constitution of marriage? Well, unfortunately it is not that simple.
We can’t assign one factor to carry the burden of a multi-faceted situation.
Arranged marriages worked perfectly in the past when life was less complicated, when marriage presented a ‘sacred one time experience’ through which individuals create their own contribution to their communities.
But can a marriage carry the same connotations of sanctity and stability in the age of mobility, political upheavals, economic crisis, and the pressure of globalization?
Marriage has become secondary to building a career and securing a living.
Our priorities have changed as well as the necessities in life.
Marriage for us has become ‘settling down’ after we have accomplished other dreams and desires.
What about the need for love and intimacy?
In some cases when male and female energy mix constantly in coed settings, the need for intimacy shrinks. Moreover, the definition of love has changed dramatically and has been stripped off its platonic innocence as different venues of intimacy have become shamelessly available.
However that is not to say that individuals do not seek marriage.
They do but for serving particular reasons. Some are forced into it; some marry for love, money, and offspring, and some uses it to reinforce ties of kinship.
What about partnership on all levels??
The younger generation fails to comprehend the overall picture and there needs to be an open dialogue between parents and their children.
Parents need to know that what had worked for them in the past might not work for their children.
Having a conversation about expectations in marriage, as daunting and embarrassing to some as it might be can prevent a future divorce.
However, the dichotomy between arranged marriages and love marriages remain unsolved.
What lives longer, and what guarantees a happily ever after?
Benazir Bhutto, a Harvard and Oxford graduate, but still a Pakistani at heart and in her political conviction forwards her own preference:
“We didn’t really love each other yet… Instead there was a mental commitment between us, a realization that we were accepting each other as husband and wife totally and for always.
In a way, I realized that bond was stronger than love.
Though I certainly did not – and do not- want to be seen as an advocate of arranged marriages, I realized there was something to a relationship based on acceptance.
We were coming into our marriage with no preconceptions, no expectations of each other than good will and respect. In love marriages, I imagined, the expectations were so high they were bound to be somewhat dashed.”
For those like me, who wholly believe in mental connection and more in love, our chances to find what our hearts desire are limited but not impossible.
Abdulla
At first, congratulations Dr. Amal on the website, finally, and on the strong argument. So, when talking about arranged marriages an love marriages, we must acknowledge the fact that most of the Qatari girls nowadays are influenced by the western society. This influence has caused more harm to our society than any benefits. Most girls who are seeking marriages in Qatar believe that they MUST have a love story with their mates and they will live happily ever after, blah blah blah... But, the problem that they have forgotten the most important aspects of marriage, which are the respect, the commitment and the scarification. Marriages are far more than love, and people in Qatar, both males and females, must understand this to live a successful life. Marriage is a life commitment, you must commit to your family more than anything else. Marriage is respect, respecting your wife or husband is the basis of the relationship. Marriage is scarification, you must sacrifice your previous life to make the new one succeed. Thank you Benazir Bhuttu for saying: "We didn’t really love each other yet… Instead there was a mental commitment between us, a realization that we were accepting each other as husband and wife totally and for always. In a way, I realized that bond was stronger than love." And it is stronger than love. Love can come later after developing the marriage relationship. Love is not the important part of marriage, yet it is very powerful mean to strengthen it. Finally, Dr. Amal, when you said: "Parents need to know that what had worked for them in the past might not work for their children." I totally agree with you.... However, you must emphasize on the word MIGHT, because I have seen many people who use this phrase to convince other people with false arguments. You must emphasize that it can work, actually I believe it usually works, but in different ways. If the parents did not use some of the old ways in marriages, it will be a failure. There are some aspects of the old marriages that are more than effective. Thank you again for the compelling argument. Your student, AbdullaMay 5th, 2009 @ 1:58 pm
Mimi
Dear Dr. Amal, very interesting article, i have written on the same topic myself. I will upload it on the journals. Dear Abdullah, There is nothing wrong with wanting to fall in love, it is a basic human need. This idea does not come from the west, it exists in all of us. People have been falling in love before, during and after Islam. Moreover, it is not only girls who need love, but boys too and every creature on earth. Every one’s wish is to fall in love, even if they did not want to admit it; it would be against nature to reject it or think it is not suitable or should only come at a certain time! Girls have not forgotten about respect at all, but physical and emotional attraction are as important as respect too. What is the point of being married to someone who respects you but do not love you? Love brings respect, commitment and scarification. It makes living with the other person easier; love makes us accept the other with his/her flaws; makes sacrifice easier and makes commitment stronger. Falling in love does not mean that “respect, sacrifice and commitment” will be eliminated, rather, they will be reinforced because they all come naturally with love. Hope you can see the other side of it :)May 10th, 2009 @ 11:34 am
Anon
I am not against arranged marriages nor against the idea of love marriages, but I am going to steer away from all the Mexican novella love stories … When yes one may agree that being in love is on another level experience, but can that love go to another level which is commitment and marriage in our “society”? I feel that our society emphasis on superficial impressions, whether its flashy cars, jewelry, credit cards etc…once two people are in a relationship they try their best to conceal their flaws…they give this idealistic impression that their life will be full of love…so the naturally they have a certain expectation…once they get married…they get into further arguments…why ? “Expectations” unlike the west , relationships are based on friendships …they don’t jump into the lovey dovey “honeymoon” level in which they try their best to impress one another….whereas here….its all about that lovey dovey phase!! Which I don’t get!!! And the thing is, marriage is so different from a relationship that people sustain here, you wake up with a complete stranger next to you, a stranger that has different habits, likes, dislikes…..so if you had certain expectation of that stranger before marriage ( which is the whole love or dating behind the scenes idea) and then fall in the trap of getting married…it wouldn’t work….not in this era…everyone hold’s their expectation dearly close to them, and use it as a yellow card to strike their partner..” well you used to do this, you used to say this” before marriage….and then after marriage one of the spouses ( in particular the man) feels much more comfortable in his own skin and feels that he doesn’t need to impress anymore…whereas the female still lives the daydreaming days of their love days…and gets frustrated when he doesn’t do what he used to do before, whether its sweet words, chocolate, remembering her bday…etc… Now yes I know back in the old days…there were love stories here and there…but those love stories are more pure and innocent and did not involve continuous and elaborate dating and on going years of excessive relationship and knowing one another…back in those days when a man sees a woman and he holds interest in her its more like “love in first sight” that captures him into marrying her…and back in those days both men and women were much more tolerant and would compromise with one another needs…we live in the ipod era, we live in an era with one click on the internet all your shopping/reading and even medical diagnosis could be fulfilled , hence no patience…time is of the essence…you would see people huffing and puffing complaining about the traffic, or the hot weather, the employees , etc…back in those days people did not complain…they never questioned, they were patient….i for one do not have the patience! i am sure we all agree that we all don’t! Everyday I hear stories about married couples getting divorce/cheating /remarrying , its humiliating marriage is not a joke! Its not about the whole idea about love! Its respect, patience , tolerance and compromising! About arranged marriages, I don’t see anything wrong with them…simply because outsiders tend to try to match couples based on their interests/looks/personalities etc…and it works fine…I do have to note that I feel that before both couples should get to know each other before getting into marriage..and not doing the whole behind the scene dating!!! I think both families should agree and acknowledge that their daughter/son would want to get to know one another…I do know of a saudia friend of mine who told me that they have arranged marriages but the girl gets to know the guy of course with their families acknowledgement, he comes over to her house and sits with her family to break the ice and feel the chemistry…I feel that parents should know about it, get the approval of the family this way the guy ( regardless of how open minded he is) would hold much more respect to the girl. It’s a big issue!!! But thanks for bringing it up!!!May 21st, 2009 @ 3:57 pm
Rashid
Thanks for brining this topic Dr. Amal and thanks for the other intelligent participants; the views I am reading here are impressive. I strongly believe that the formula for a successful (and happy) marriage is simple. First, both has to have similar personalities, interests, beliefs, and values. I am not saying exactly the same but very similar. This is extremely important. Second, both have to meet each others expectations from all aspects (physical, economic, social, emotional, family, etc). Once we got this formula, whether it is arranged marriage or love marriage I do not think it matters. I do not think love matters much. It will develop automatically once we have the above. In fact, given our culture, I think love marriage are more likely to fail.June 8th, 2009 @ 1:58 pm
Abdulla
Mimi.... you just proved my point about girls I hope you understand my point that respect and other attitudes have became secondary needs to marriages....July 2nd, 2009 @ 2:43 am