21 days to go. Before the day comes, there are 21 things I want to say to those who matter. Things I never had –or will have- the courage or chance to directly say to them… Very random, yet very important.
21: To the ones addressed below: You all know me inside out. I make most of you suffer yet you manage to like me. Unless I face an emotional breakdown, I never express what you all mean to me. Today, I’m not in an emotional status, but here’s an attempt of expressing myself towards you: I can’t partially imagine what it would be like without you. Thank you for being part of my life.
20: Sometimes I feel like I need a break from everything. Sometimes I just need to sit down by myself and figure things out or just enjoy a peaceful day. I’m sorry if I was ever rude, but sometimes I have to take a break from everything. Including everyone. Including you.
19: You are one of the smartest people I have ever met. You always managed your time effectively and achieved whatever you had in mind. Right now, I see you throw everything away and I don’t understand why. Get yourself together and get over the ridiculous thoughts you’re thinking of. Nothing changed and nothing is going to change. Get back on track and manage yourself like you used to!
18: I saw how calm and relieved you were that day. I saw the grief and denial too. I don’t know if you will ever get the chance to read this, but if you do, I want you to know that I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk more about it. I can’t promise you that I’ll make you feel better because I won’t, but I will always listen.
17: You are facing a hard time to figure out when I am serious and when I am sarcastic. Sometimes you laugh when I am serious and panic when I am sarcastic. You know what? You are not the only one. You only need some time to capture and understand that weird sense of sarcasm of mine.
16: I’ve been attached to it for a long time and I just couldn’t let it slip away. Now, I am finally capable of letting it go because the memories attached to it had faded. Now, they are the ones who can’t let it go for the exact reasons that got me attached to it years ago. I guess it will always be there. Someone will always be attached to it. To you.
15: “..What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”. No, what happens in Vegas is either written and published in books or filmed and released in theaters. What happens in Vegas never stays in Vegas. But there are always exceptions. It was nice to see you in “Vegas”. But instead of “publishing”, I decided that it would be more fun to drive you crazy for a while. Good luck with the twisted version of me!
14: I hope you manage to get over yourself this year and call me on “you know what” day. I appreciated it two years ago and I missed it last year. Call me this year, because I already know that it will be horrible. Cheer me up, you’ve always managed to do that perfectly.
13: “I believe whatever doesn’t kill you, simply makes you… stranger!”… 13 August, 2008. Thank you for that day. I loved the movie. I loved the “just us” time. Stay the way you are, because you are just great.
12: ..We have been friends since then. You know what I believe in and what I don’t. You know what I love and what I resent. Lately, I’ve been feeling like there’s a distance created between us and I hate it. What I hate more is the fact that I’m not trying to shorten that distance.
11: Two years to go. Four semesters to complete. A lot passed, yet a lot to be passed. Two years before we all face the “real world”. Two years left before some friendships fade and some grow stronger. To my friends: Thank you for the good times. To my professors: Thank you for everything you are doing.
10: ..The minimum number of times I make her laugh every week. Making sure she gets at least 10 good laughs is the least I can do. She had been through a lot and she’s everything I have. She’s the most I respect and the one I look up to. Seeing and hearing her laugh is just priceless and irreplaceable. No matter what, I’ll keep making her laugh because she’s number one in my life and she’s everything I have.
09: I know, I keep pushing you away for some reason. You are a good friend -to a certain extent! I know, I’m giving you a hard time to “figure me out”. Maybe you should stop trying to figure me out and just continue being a friend. To be honest, there’s nothing to figure out. Just stop analyzing me and avoid me when I am mad. Only then you will “figure me out”.
08: Most of the time you were annoying. You wouldn’t stop running, screaming or laughing. I didn’t know you all very well, but you made that first year more likeable and more tolerable. You are still missed, and you will always remain the best. To those I knew: I miss you. I hope we meet soon.
07: Your ability to listen and understand is one of the things I like about you. Thank you for understanding why I didn’t try to do my best back then. And thank you for that chocolate bar, it really helped me get through the day.
06: You are the most person I argue with. We clash a lot and we almost disagree on everything. I have to admit, I think it’s weird that we disagree as much but I kind of enjoy it! Seriously, I actually think it’s healthy. Let’s keep disagreeing, because I honestly don’t know what it would be like to have a peaceful relationship with you.
05: …keep that track playing and rewind it over and over. It’s our song, and we’ll keep singing it every time its on. You are the best cousin I could ever have. You know the things that make me laugh and the things that tick me off. You are perfect the way you are, just stop hugging me in public.
04: Four novels to read. To discuss. To analyze. You know how much I love to write. You also know how I hate to read. But you don’t know that I used to love reading. You don’t know how I hope and wish that this Fall would rejuvenate that love. Well, now you know. Now you know why I really “need” to do this.
03: They affect my life more than they think they do. They are the reason behind my willpower. They are the reason behind my passion to success. They continuously make me suffer, but always have my back covered if I ever collapse. They taught me why and how to care about others. They taught me what a great family is all about.
02: No matter what happens, I will always be there for you two. Thank you for understanding me. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for believing in me when I stopped believing in myself. We will always remain best friends. Nothing is going to change that fact. Ever.
01: You are the only one I wake up missing and fall a sleep wishing you’d visit my dreams. It had been three years since you were last in my dreams and nine since you were gone. It had been nine years since I last saw you and twelve since I last talked to you. It had been a lot of time without you. A lot of time needing you. A lot of time missing you. I hope you are in a better place now, with better health and a better heart.