Only those who enjoy a relationship with an equal would ever reach the satisfaction of being accepted and loved by someone who has the power to say no. To rule over a weaker person is hardly a sign of caring, and certainly not of a gentleman.
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Protecting women should not be an excuse to control them
Anees Sultan
Men like women, and women like men. This attraction is natural, healthy and powerful. Any effort by parents, schoolteachers, religious leaders or politicians to block or limit their interaction is likely to fail.
Men in our societies also feel they have the added responsibility of protecting “their” women, a role entrenched by centuries of tradition and by what some believe to be their sacred duties.
Indeed, the intent of Islam was to protect women and afford them some dignity in an environment where they were often abused or treated as property. Before Islam began 1400 years ago, a woman in Arabian society was often considered a source of shame, and infant girls were routinely buried alive. Men were so used the idea of possessing women and avenging their honour that tribes waged wars of Trojan intensity if one of “their” women was slightly abused.
As a religious tradition that condemns slavery, Islam should allow Muslim women to benefit from the civil gains it has bequeathed them. But protection is different from control. Indeed, what protection do women need these days?
Today, most Arab women live alongside their male halves in countries largely governed by the rule of law. As they become educated, women learn to manage for themselves and reject male dominance over their future. Males can have trouble accepting a loss of control. It’s convenient, after all, to be in control.
Incidentally, convenience and control are probably the highest satisfaction one can have from being a man in a heavy-handed relationship. Only those who enjoy a relationship with an equal would ever reach the satisfaction of being accepted and loved by someone who has the power to say no. To rule over a weaker person is hardly a sign of caring, and certainly not of a gentleman.
I am continually shocked by the actions of those modern-day Arab men, who have seen or even lived in other societies, who would never take their wives to dine with other couples outside their immediate family. Many send their sons to better and even mixed schools and their daughters to lesser schools – painfully conditioning the latter to expect less from life. This also tells them in an unequivocal way that much less is expected of them.
This does not seem like the protection of women, but protection of men’s status. It is a deliberate act of concealment, of which examples abound. For instance, when women wear the hijab does it have to be black? Black can be the colour of authority and power, and can be stylish. But black can also represent depression or imply submission.
I have asked numerous women about this choice. Their reasons ranged from the direct “when I got married, I had to use black, so as not to attract attention”, to the unconvincing “it’s faster for the morning rush to work”. “Given a choice,” I asked, “would you wear colours?” A majority said yes.
Men also feel embarrassed or protective over women’s names. They rarely call their wives or mothers by their first name in public, as if it is inappropriate exposure. This is so ingrained in the psyche that women accept it as normal.
When a man enters an elevator, many a woman quickly looks down, shy, ashamed and flustered. A more confident woman knows exactly how to stare down the most daring eyes with cold efficiency – if it is warranted.
Yet, for all the efforts to segregate and isolate, text message scanners cannot decrypt young hearts’ coded signs. When faces are covered, nothing can deny the inviting sparkle of an eye. When airplanes take off, a mass uncovering routine ensues for those who have never subscribed to this mandatory protection.
Isn’t it just better to accept relationships as normal and spend time and resources in making them develop in a healthier fashion?
*Anees Sultan is a writer and businessman based in Oman
Ahmad
they'd argue: isn't it better to have dust hidden under the carpet than have it all over the place? you raise a very good point. i never thought of it this way. Why does the so called protection make them ashamed of women? when someone dies.. it's always the men who put their names in the condolences ad in the newspaper. Women can't have their names written down. Not even on their own wedding invitations!!! انا دائما اقول نحن لا نحتاج ان نفصل الدين عن الدولة بقدر ما نحتاج ان نفصل الدين عن العادات و التقاليد.August 18th, 2010 @ 1:38 pm
Amal Almalki
The problem Ahmed is the so entrenched belief that “المرأة عورة. Wasn’t this a pre-Islamic belief and therefore baby girls was buried alive? Weren’t the prophet PBUH proud of his wives and daughters and called them by their names? Weren’t those women active in all domains and some were rebellious and ahead of their time? Shouldn’t we begin to say that it is Un-Islamic to treat a woman with such degradation and accept that she is an equal who deserves respect?August 18th, 2010 @ 2:36 pm
Ahmad
المرأه عوره اهون بشوي من اللي يقول صوت المرأه عوره you girls need to walk around with one of these things http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYydnhu6NbUAugust 20th, 2010 @ 4:39 am
MTB
Hi Thank You for your refreshing articles. Also for the opportunity to comment. I would like to do so, because I am struggling with questions about Islam, and the attitudes that it fosters towards women. I have this very real struggle ongoingly, and when I read this article, I feel somewhat let down by the cheap escape that the Author uses to come to terms with these questions. I wished I could dismiss certain realities so simply. But I can not. Perhaps it is unkind of me to impose my difficulty onto those, who have found some way of living with this side of Islam. I get the impression that this Blog is concerned with quality, acuracy and reality. Hence I dare to question some claims in this article. I pray that God help me to do so sincerely and in a humble spirit. I am used to the tendency in written works to soften Islam's Misogyny. I could overlook the usual rant of how Women in Arabia were treated poorly, until the event of Islam. Though this is a very questionable and glib attitude, I can understand it. I too, have a desire to do this. But when an entire article is opened with a string of questionable claims, and then looks to obviously false assertions, it becomes too much. The thing that especially caught my attention is the claim that Islam condems slavery. Quote: "As a religious tradition that condemns slavery..." I questioned this subject some time ago, for personal reasons. After countless difficult hours of investigation, study and seeking council from many, I have found no way what so ever to hold onto this belief. I wanted to. Very much. But now I can not. In the Sharia there are entire chapters dealing with the ins and outs of how to buy, sell, kill, rape, use and abuse others who are classed as....well, Slaves. Certainly, there are many laws that protect the welfare of these unfortunates. But there are some very disturbing allowances too. There is not one reason that I have found to be solid, to maintain the belief that Islam is "a religious tradition that condemns slavery". After learning the gruesome details of what Islam advocates in this area of human endeavour, I must point out that the above quoted claim is in gross error. Needless to say, when an article that deals with this most urgent and important topic is aproached with a wreckless disregard for accuracy and truth, the problem will not be recognised, nor will solutions be found. Not in this way. My personal concerns with some of the more confronting realities of Islamic dogma are my own to bear. I am very much in favour of overcomming the unfortunate attitudes that persist towards Women. These attitudes persist in me too. I am at this point no longer sure that it is possible to overcome these problems, whilst at the same time protecting the immage of Islam. I see this article as an exercise in attempting to do just that. And it is rather embarrasing, how this is as far as it ever gets. Inventing new ways of doing this abounds all over the place. But the reality remains hid from sight to those who need to make the changes. I know full well what we have in Qur'an and Sunna. We can all agree that Women in Persia were in a very good position compared to Women in Arabia, during the time of Islam's emergence. Now they stone their Women to death and hang them with Hiab cranes like retards. All in the name of Islam. There, I have said it. The attitudes that the Author wishes to address, are certainly found through out the entire Muslim population. Why pretent it isn't so ? We want Sharia ? We want more Islam ? We want more of this ? Really ? I don't think the way Women in Qatar are better of because of Islam. They are better off because there is less Islam. Certainly, it isn't Islamic law that is protecting their dignity to the extent that we have today. I wished it wasn't like this. I wished I could read up these sort of propaganda type articles. I wished I could read about how the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was a reformer for Womens rights. (...) I have a collection of Hadith that makes my skin crawl. It makes me feel ashamed when ever I read glib, and childishly shallow articles like this one above. (...) I'm sorry if I have offended anyone. This is not my intention. I grieve for those Women, about whome I know, who suffer in such special ways, because of this flat refusal to say it how it is. I am not here to offend any one. Sincerely.May 31st, 2011 @ 7:38 pm