The notion of change can bring about numerous kinds of feelings. Whether excitement or fear, change is inevitable in our daily lives. Only when we allow ourselves to change from within, do we realize we have improved not only ourselves but our surroundings. With these words, Hind Al-Khulaifi sums up the experience she discloses in her self-portrait. It is the anticipated change that a girl goes through by becoming a woman; it is the change that comes with entering marriage and beginning a family of her own; it is a transition that all females go through, but is still different to each. A lovely narrative of a young woman who takes us through the facts as well as the emotions behind them, making it unique to her yet echoes the experiences of other young women.

Hind Al-Khulaifi is a Junior in Carnegie Mellon University. She is majoring in Business Administration and minoring in English. She enjoys visiting family and traveling.

It has been about 3 months since my new life has started. Being a wife is an inspiring role. It is a title of responsibility and confidence, where my opinions now serve to complete the thoughts of my companion. Everyday I am faced with new choices to make on my own, as I work towards maintaining my house and college obligations. I have become a women faster than I anticipated, almost stripping myself from the assurance and attachment associated with being a daughter under the shadow of her mother. But my state of mind has not always been this strong and confident. It was only recently that I’ve realized the strength I had to make decisions for myself.

Before I got married, my life has revolved around the satisfaction and safety I felt from the presence of my parents and siblings in my daily life. Ever since I was born, my father’s title as an ambassador made us move to numerous countries, but never did I feel unsettled. It did not matter if my father would leave an embassy this year or the next. As long as we traveled as a group and settled in a new place as a group, the destination was merely an adventurous new stop for me.

After finally settling in Doha at the age of 12, I realized how strong my attachment was to my mother. Instead of taking advantage of the chances I had to make choices for myself, I constantly rushed to seek the decision from my mother. Unintentionally, my mother became my second consciousness because I had allowed her to take control of how I thought and acted. Even in my teenage years, after entering a store, I would stick to her side and grab whatever caught her attention to try on and in most cases buy. I wanted to be the same daughter she was to her parents and the same sister she was to her siblings. For these reasons, her approval and insight became mandatory for every new step I was to take, for only then did I feel confident and assured that I was doing what seemed to be right.  

As my attachment to my mother grew stronger as I grew older, I started to realize how afraid I was of change. My fear reached its climax when my father was asked to become the ambassador of Qatar in Japan. This new job posting would mean that my mother was bound to leave with my father and younger siblings to Japan. I had just started my second year of college and transferring to a university in Japan was not an option my mother allowed me to consider. I was devastated and in denial of the major life change that was about to take place for my family. Even if it was planned for me to stay in Doha with my younger sister and older brother, I felt alone and scared of how I was to lead my life with my mother oceans away. Anger, frustration, fear and confusion took over my mind. When communicating my fears to my mother, she constantly repeated that “everything happens at a certain time for a certain reason.” At the time I did not appreciate her response but rather despised the person I allowed myself to become. I started to feel resentful towards my mother for allowing me to get too attached to her. Why couldn’t I just take the new life change smoothly like my other siblings who were to stay behind as well?  For many related reasons, my father refused the offer and decided it was not the right time to leave Doha.

I had thought that nothing can threaten me with change as much as this incident did. But I was wrong when I was introduced to the notion of getting married. Even after realizing that my husband was the best match for me, fears of becoming independent controlled my thoughts and made me feel insecure. How was I to leave my house and start a new life without my mother? Was I ready to make decisions on my own or with my husband without constantly referring to my mother for approval? Such thoughts made getting married almost impossible to me even up to the last month before the wedding. 

As the preparations of the wedding occupied my time, my mother started deliberately to insist that I make my own choices. She also began to refer to me for insight, either if it was about my father or the constant troubles of the household. “Your father asked for my opinion about him investing in the Pearl, do you think I should encourage him?” and other kinds of questions I had to respond to. At first I was confused and rarely gathered enough confidence to speak what I thought was the right choice.  And because my mom thought that it was the right time to encourage me to stand up to what I thought was right, I slowly allowed myself to detach from her influence. As the wedding day got closer and my new life was about to begin, I realized I was making choices I never thought I was to take by myself.  

My father has recently accepted to become the new ambassador of Qatar in Germany and my family will leave in a month. Looking back, I realized that I got married at this certain time for this certain reason. My parents will leave Doha feeling assured that they have left behind a confident daughter who is not confined to their shadow anymore. Instead of being fearful of them being oceans away, I am excited about my new life. I aim to be the same mother my mother was to her children not because I can be, but because I want to be. And when that certain time for that certain reason will come, Inshallah I will.